A few of my favorite things

🌧 Rain Before Rainbows 🌈

I did a thing today! A super simple thing that has has been an astonishing source of joy and epiphany.

I went to Barnes and Noble! I had some spare time at work, had gotten some good work done, and decided to take a break.

Breakthrough #1 - I chose to take a [happy] break instead of just "powering through"*

*This is something I am still very much working on. I don't give myself true breaks, like, ever. If I'm on a roll, I will keep rolling that roll until I can't possibly roll anymore. If I'm being productive or have something that needs to be done, I won't stop. There's a lot of layers to this (and maybe someday I'll blog it out) but suffice to say, this results in a whole lot of burn out. 

So, I felt like I needed a break, and I did something new for me - I took one! I've been thinking about getting a new journal for a while (when aren't I), and B&N has been calling my name for weeks. So off I went!

And it was *wonderful*

I drooled over planners I'd never use, perused all the charming nicknacks and stationary, rediscovered the boardgame section, and found the just-right journal. I bought a super cute pack of note cards, some charming gifts, and a beautiful children's book for EK.

And as I left the store with my bag of goodies, I was elated. Like, I felt happy. Actual, real, literal, tangible happiness.

And I was surprised! I was down-right shocked to *feel* happiness.

And then it occurred to me... people do things that make them happy. Like, this is a normal, regular thing that people do. They buy things that they *like*, they DO things that they LIKE. 

I have almost-always only ever done things because it was *needed*. Like my life was an ongoing grocery list of expectations to check off. Wake up, check; go to work, check; eat food, check. Get through these tasks in the quickest way possible that created as little drama, as little affect, as little disturbance to the status quo as possible. Do what was expected of me.

There are lots of layers here, and it's too much to really get all into. But, two things I think contributed hugely to this dynamic for me...

1 - Being an undiagnosed neurodivergent (autistic + ADHD, inattentive type), heavily masking, for 35+ years; thinking this was the way everyone lived; but actually, it totally isn't! i.e., I never/rarely did anything because I liked it or wanted to*, but because [I thought] it was the thing I "should" do - from the clothes I wore to work, to the items I bought from the grocery store**

*I'm talking basic, everyday life things, not major life decisions 

**Y'all, for real, all my "professional" clothes were black dress pants. I don't even

LIKE the color black in my wardrobe (give me earthy tones all day) and I now won't buy clothes in that color palate at all (with a few exceptions). And then there was the cabinet full of dozens of tea flavors I had for over TEN YEARS because I thought I liked hot tea (it has such a "comforting" reputation!) ...but I never. actually. drank. it. I mean, truly. I drink hot tea maybe twice a year, and it's usually when I'm sick.

2 - Being raised in a strictly conservative Christian environment that put a lot of emphasis on denying our "self" in order to be "holy" - a very slippery slope to an unhealthy lifestyle when not taken in proper balance; a balance that did not come naturally to me (see point above - undiagnosed, masking, neurodivergent). 

To be continued...