unpublished thoughts

11.22.24

I wish I could express to you the amount of effort and energy it takes to survive a "normal" week of "typical" society. And I mean, survive. Not accomplish, not succeed, not thrive or learn or grow, just - survive 

***Note: NONE of this is her fault in any way whatsoever. The last thing I would ever want her to think is that she caused any of this stress. She didn't. She is literally the most amazing person I know, and I'm more proud of her than I could ever begin to express. I am so grateful for who she is and would never wish it any other way.

Unfortunately, our society is not built for autistic individuals, let alone autistic children trying to make sense of the world. (That said, the advocacy efforts for neurodivergents has been amazing, and I'm truly hoping to see more true cultural shift in understanding and acceptance -ie, accommodation.) 

2.18.25

See how I buffer everything I say about being autistic and living with an autistic child? And even pointing that out feels like a betrayal. 

And that's not fair.

I don't even mean that it's not fair to me. It is not fair to all of the neurodivergent people trying to survive every day of their lives, holding themselves to a standard that wasn't created for them and feeling unjustified and discredited any time they try to express how difficult it is.

Because it's not difficult for "other people." To those who haven't lived this experience, it is nearly impossible to understand. To those for whom this standard of living suites, it seems ridiculous. It sounds outrageous and overly exaggerated.

And that judgement becomes so internalized that we gaslight ourselves into believing it's not actually as bad as we feel it is, as we experience it to be.

We minimize and down play; we convince ourselves we're just struggling today / this week / this month. We forget how bad last year really was. Those traumatic experiences from three years ago feel blurred, and because we're in such survival mode from day to day, there is no looking back to assess or try to heal. There is only, getting through today and preparing to survive tomorrow.

I realized the depth of this recently. I am realizing the extent to which I had forgotten how truly bad it was. 

And I was shocked. 

Shocked that I'd forgotten. 

Shocked at how bad it actually had been. 

I know this because I recorded one of our meltdowns. One of the really bad ones. I'd forgotten about the recording and stumbled upon it.

It was bad. It was shocking. It was heartbreaking.

And honestly, not because of the meltdown itself. But because I'd never told anyone about it, not even myself if I'm honest. We lived through that day, and I put it behind me and I forgot about it. But my soul hasn't. We carry the grief and shock of that experience, and the fact that there is no validation for it, any where or from anyone.