Student Loans

Between 2004 and 2007, I took out approximately $82,000 in private student loans for college. 

By June 2013, while I deferred my loans to attend graduate school, the amount had ballooned to $116,000, from interest alone. That's $34,000 in interest. So I could further my education.

*Notably, my degree was a B.S. - science. A field that, despite it's glowing reputation and mass publicity, nearly always requires further post-graduate education, to actually get a good job. Graduating in 2007 with a B.S. meant all of nothing in the job market. So, NOT going to graduate school, wasn't much of an option. 

I was fortunate to receive a stipend for graduate school. This lowered tuition to a manageable amount and provided almost enough to live on: $12,500 at the start of my master's program; $15,500 at the start of my PhD program. 

*That was my yearly income. We barely had enough to cover cheap rent and ramen noodles. NOT deferring my student loans wasn't much of an option. Doing anything at all with my student loans (i.e., paying interest-only), wasn't an option. I had to survive grad school first.

When I stopped deferring my loans in 2013, I had over $147,000 in total student loan debt ($116k private + $31k federal). *I graduated with my PhD in 2014, but stopped being a "full-time student" in 2013, which put me back into repayment.

As of March 2023, after a decade of payments, the total is down to just under $112,000. The private loans alone totaling over $87,000. Remember, the original borrowed about for those loans, taken out 2004-2007, was $82,000. 

So even now, 16 years after graduating with a bachelors of science, the amount owed on those private students loans is still more than the original amount borrowed.

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I was 19 years old. A first generation college student, and the first in my family to attend a 4-year university. My parents earned enough that we didn't qualify for federal aid, but not enough to help with many expenses. We were able to cover my first two years ('02-'04) without loans, by attending the local tech school, earning a few scholarships, and working part-time as much as I could stand.

I transferred to university in the fall, 2004. After flunking out my first semester, it was clear I couldn't sustain my studies in these upper level classes while working part-time and commuting from home. The only viable option I could see: student loans. It even seemed like the responsible thing to do. Getting an education was important, and how else was I going to get there?

The loans were surprisingly easy to get. We were so naïve. My dad co-signed, not knowing he'd be chained to them for the next fifteen years. -He never had to pay for them, but the hit on his credit was punishment enough.- I was finally able to refinance and consolidate them, with my husband's help, by the time I was 35.

*It's been all the more shocking as I've aged; going through the grueling process of purchasing a house. Even buying a basic sedan was more difficult than taking out six figures worth of student loan debt in the span of four years.

that autie life

Last night was fun.

If fun is akin to torture and beating one's head against the wall. Over and over and over. Then, yeah! Fun. 

It still surprises me sometimes. Maybe all the time, but definitely sometimes. There are very clear moments where I go, oh wow, yeah, they really are autistic.

Even though I know this - about them, and about myself - and live with this reality every single day... There are moments where the doors of my brain are opened wide all over again and I realize - oh, wow, this is different. They are autistic. This is what that looks like. Feels like. Lives like. 

And I have to adjust. Reset my understanding. Reset my expectations. Reset my demands and my tone and my words. And understand all over again - we are both doing the best we can.