Producing perseverance

I'm exhausted. It's been eight solid weeks of crazy (as I'm sure I referenced in the last post). And more than once, I have found myself at the end of the road/deadline/last day of (insert goal here), only to turn around and have another one staring me smack dab in the face. It's like I'm running a super long marathon, the kind where people tag other people in (like, the one with the Olympic torch), but when I get to the end of my section, I have to tag myself back in and keep going. And going. And going. Very much like the energizer bunny. Except I don't run on batteries.

Last night I was at work until midnight. And I was back in by 6:30 this morning. And I'm going to be here until 10 o'clock tonight. And I'm going to have to be back by 6:30 TOMORROW morning as well. Also, I was here until 9pm Monday night too. And let's just throw in last week's stint where hubs and I were on campus until 8 or 9 every evening. (Just wanted to show that this is not a two day phenomenon going on here...)

And don't even tell me about the wonderful weekend I got to have in Columbia (which, btw, WAS extremely wonderful and restful, and I am so super thankful to have had even one whole day away from this place). But I still had to grade papers and do lab work (yes, I said that right) while I was there. Also, our car broke down on the way.

It's almost amusing how crazy things have been. It's impossible to explain it here without sounding like a total whiny butt (yes, I said that right...). And I'm sure I already sound like one anyway. At a certain point, you just have to laugh. Not really a happy laugh, but a tired, amused laugh. And realize, this is a part of life. And it's this part of life that really makes you the person you're going to be.

"...but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope."

In all this I greatly rejoice...

The past eight weeks have been packed solid and crazy. Completely non-stop. If it's not one thing, it's another. And though we're still wholly intact, our poor house is a cruel reminder that we have not been home very much. (Think piled up dishes, unswept floors, piles of laundry, and a sad and lonely kitty cat.)

It has been exciting though. We are in the strides of graduate school at its finest. Up until 2am studying, back up at 5:30am for research at the farm, crazy 10 page fan fiction papers about WoW (this one is all hubs - "oh the humanities!"), and let's not forget the many late nights in the lab. I am thinking about doing a series of blogs that encompass my scientific experiences. I'm going to call it "Sometimes science looks like...". Because there are a lot of strange and fascinating, and down right boring, things I get to do in the lab/ on the farm. Now the trick is to capture them in a photograph so I can share them with you :) You know you'll love it.

I suppose it's obvious at this point that I don't have too much to actually say. The motivation for this blog derives from the lack of motivation to do the work I need to do in the lab currently... So this is procrastination at it's finest :)

As always, I am learning a lot. I'm learning about people, and time management, and lots about what not to do. Oh, and I'm learning a little about science, too.

"In all this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that the proven genuineness of your faith — of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire — may result in praise, glory, and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed. Though you have not seen him, you love him; and even though you do not see him now, you believe in him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy, for you are receiving the end result of your faith, the salvation of your souls." (1 Peter 1:6-9)

Clemson in the Fall, part 2: Looking Forward

So in my last blog I reminisced about my time in Clemson in past years and the wonderful friends that helped cheer up the lonely times. It's so hard not to remember those days when the fall hits here. I love it. But that got me thinking about something else that I am very thankful for.

Ultimately, I do love getting to be back in Clemson for one more go-around. And I love it all the more because I get to be here with my nearest and dearest - my hubs! (This, btw, is currently my favorite way to refer to my husband in my blog posts; also note different renditions which include hubby, hubster, and hub-er-ific - just kidding on that last one... maybe.)

Getting to be in school together with my husband is such a blessing. I love that he's here with me. And together, we are rewriting all of those lonely nights and frustrated days. Instead of remembering my local pizza eatery as the place I would study alone over dinner, I remember our date nights there with the fried mushrooms hubby loves. Instead of studying alone at the library, I get to study over coffee with my huberific (heh heh) at our amazing little coffee shop. And have pretend light saber (actual popsicle) battles in the kitchen (yes, this did happen... like, last week). And long theoretical discussions about rhetoric and post-modern blah blah (I only half get that stuff...) and scientific conversations about physiology and reproduction (what? it's what I study... don't tell me it's not more interesting ;)

And there are still lonely nights (three nights a week he's in class or meetings while I'm home) and there are still plenty of frustrated days (I mean, come on, we're in grad school!). But ultimately, they're sweeter and funner and more interesting than ever before.

So while I do cherish my past years in Clemson and am thankful for the friends that helped light those times, I wanted to dedicate one more blog to Clemson in the Fall. But this time, to the fall times of now and yet to come, and to be thankful for my very best friend that gets to be here with me this time.

Clemson in the Fall: Reminiscing

I love Clemson in the fall. It reminds me of being in college.

Oh wait...

(This is where we all realize that I am still in college.)

Hubs and I drove to Walmart last night to pick up a few things. The windows were down and the breeze was divine. And somehow, that's the essence of what being in college was for me for a while (circa 2005). Late night Walmart trips and a cool fall breeze. At least, it's definitely part of my fond memories of those days. Also, chinese food, Friend's and CSI season marathons, lots of drive time with Chandler...

The years I spent in that shabby little loft apartment that I loved so much, I often remember them as sad and depressing. I spent a lot of time sleeping and watching TV and being alone. And yet when I look back, I see so many times glittered by the ones I love, being there in support and friendship.

Jen, I totally enjoyed the emerald ball with you.
David, you made organic chemistry enjoyable (and, the second time around, you made it possible :).
Alex, I'm so glad you were my neighbor and friend during that time - I still remember watching Batman Begins with you and David, haha.
Jon, I was glad you were my neighbor, for the minute you were there ;)
Elizabeth, I got a very timely phone call from you one day that I still think about a lot.
Rachel, you were the only roommate I ever had; God bless you for your efforts - we really did have a great time together.
And so many others...

So thank you to everyone who took the time to drive down (the whole 45 minutes - why does it seem like so much longer than that?!) and help me move, or spend the night, or help me clean my kitchen (this happened more than I'd like to admit; thank you Brent and Shannon! And Jen!!). It was one of the hardest, and yet now I can say, a very fond time of my life.

"I got friends who (la la lie), will help me pull through (la la lie)" (Jack's Mannequin, La La Lie)

Awaken

Can anyone say "writer's block"?!

Guess it's been a while...

And the only reason I'm posting now is because if I don't post, then I never will. So here goes.

The summer flew by, as I knew it would. I have no idea what I accomplished. I did go to a conference in Portland, Oregon, which was interesting. And we have been plugging through our first animal trial for my doctoral research. So that's kept me pretty busy on and off since March.

Have I mentioned at all that I do research? Probably not. It's one of those things you have to be careful discussing, because you never know how much people actually want to know. Suffice to say I am studying what I like to call "molecular reproductive physiology" - basically, how reproduction works on a molecular level (think DNA here). Of course there's also the macro level as well (think real live animals); so we're working with bulls to get at the gene expression associated with fertility. More or less.

I am officially through the first year of my PhD. Two and half to go (that's the goal, anyway). Someone I know well and trust dearly looked at me and told me that the past year was about a 3 out of 10 for me (my husband's was a 7 out of 10!). Whew. That's better than a 1 or a 2, but here's hoping for something a little higher this year!

It's definitely been a learning process. And I guess that's the point. (Well, duh, you might say. But, no, really.) It's not so much about learning a lot of facts and gaining a lot of knowledge. It's a process that is designed to drag you through the ringer, almost literally. One professor told my husband that getting your PhD is like your second childhood. In the hard kind of way, not the fun kind of way.

You daily face the fact that you know very little, are desperately under-equipped to face the problems that need to be solved yesterday, and end up crying a lot.

And the point here wasn't to complain about how hard it is, as much as to describe how much development is going on. And though I feel that little growth has actually been obtained, I have to believe that as long as I keep plugging through, surely some ground has to be gained. Surely. Surely?

In the midst of all the unknowns educationally, I have been growing a lot spiritually. Which truly is more important to me anyway. It's been quite a deepening. I recently described to my husband that it seems I've been coasting along for the past ten years, clueless and delirious, and all of a sudden I just woke up and saw the world around me. Awakened. To something other than myself.

"For by the grace given me I say to every one of you: Do not think of yourself more highly than you ought, but rather think of yourself with sober judgement, in accordance with the faith God has distributed to each of you." Romans 12:3

Kairos

A beautiful, sunny, breezy Friday. Peaceful. I didn't have to go into work today, so of course I slept in - and it was glorious. I slept soundly and peacefully here for the first time in weeks, and cuddled into my down comforter for as long as I could possibly get away with. I'm not sure today could be much more simply perfect. This, however, is in stark contrast to yesterday.

There is not enough time or space here - nor would you be interested enough - for me to explain the process that brought me to this point. Let's just say, something that needs to work isn't working, and yesterday saw me at the end of the proverbial road of what I knew to try to make it work. This has been weeks (and really, months) in coming. At my wits end. In a deep dark hole, with no way to climb out. Every way I could think of to "climb out" failed. And I wanted to scream. And cry. And run away.

Which takes me to Wednesday night's service. Hubs and I debated whether we should go up for service on Wednesday. We had just arrived home the night before, and I had work to catch up on and, honestly, would have liked to "rest" a bit. But with Drew out of class for the night, we had the opportunity to go. And moreover, we felt that we should go.

Over the previous weekend at church, we heard about 2 Corinthians 4:7 "we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us." I had read over that scripture Wednesday morning for my devotions and had thought on it through the day. The strength and power I have to face these things - it's from God, not from me. So when my scores aren't *quite* high enough to look good for this fellowship application, or my great "wisdom" for working out this lab procedure isn't quite working, I can praise God! Because HE is the one that's going to work through this, and I don't have to rely on myself. Moreover, even if I don't get the fellowship and even if this darned procedure never does get worked out - HE is the one that provides me peace and wisdom through it all. And I know He will be faithful, regardless of the outcome.

These were my thoughts as I worked through the day on Wednesday. So we decided to go to church. And Pastor brought us back to that same scripture! And then he proceeded through the chapter to focus on verses 16 - 18:

(16) Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. (17) For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. (18) So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.

Do not lose heart. Our troubles are light and momentary. There is an eternal glory being achieved that outweighs our troubles. So keep your eyes on God, because what you're seeing is only temporary!

Little did I know how much I would need those words on Thursday. When, finally, all solutions failed, and I was done. I could think of nothing else to try, everything -for weeks- had gone wrong, Dr. Advisor would be back on Monday expecting results, and I had nothing. Except failed attempts and lame excuses.('Cause, let's face it, all excuses are lame at that point.) I had nothing left. A flood of emotions and reactions were at my door, threatening to take over at any moment. But I knew that it was important to handle this situation correctly - I did not have the liberty to fly off the handle in rage or tears or to be imprudent in anyway. I also knew I didn't have the strength to hold together anymore.

Right there, when I most needed it, words from the night before resounded so clearly, and so personally, that it seemed that church service had been orchestrated so I could have the help I needed precisely when I needed it. "Do not lose heart! Our troubles are light and momentary! There is an eternal glory being achieved that FAR outweighs our troubles! Keep your eyes on God; what you're seeing is only temporary!" And so there was peace in the middle of upheaval. And though no solution came, I could hold on through the day trusting in God.

So here we are, back to this beautiful Friday. The peaceful rest I had last night, the lovely day that is today. There were still no solutions, but there was peace. And more than that - joy! And then, there was kairos. Which, in the New Testament, means "the appointed time in the purpose of God."

I was driving down the road listening to the radio, singing along to Bebo Norman's "I Will Lift My Eyes" - a song I really like, and was happily enjoying while I revealed in the beautiful day. As I was singing along with the chorus, in the middle of the line "I will lift my eyes to the Maker of the mountains I can't climb," about the time I got to "Maker" the song all of a sudden pierced my heart and my memory was transported back to Israel. To an evening on the Sea of Galilee, where Elizabeth sang that very song, and as she sang those words on that beautiful evening by the sea I realized that God makes mountains we aren't able to climb so that we will trust in Him. And as the memory of that evening and the significance of that revelation flooded over me, God spoke to me "I made this." HE made this mountain that I am completely unable to climb, and He did it on purpose. So that I will trust Him. Cling to Him. Rely upon HIM.

"Consider it pure joy ... whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." James 1:2-4

Going Home

Spring break is fast approaching and I've been relishing the thought of it for weeks now. Part of me (a very big part) was really hoping to steal away to somewhere - anywhere. Visions of Hendersonville, Brevard, Helen Georgia, and similar cute-but-affordable locations, danced in my head. But, alas, reality set in and I acquiesced to the stern boundaries set forth by my bank account. Even so, I was happy relishing the hope of a restful vacation-turned-staycation.

A simple invite from a dear friend turned my thoughts toward the possibility of staying in Travelers Rest for a few nights, which has quickly turned into a plan in motion. I am quite elated about getting away from my tight desk quarters, stale lab, and cold block house (all of which I do love dearly, btw), and really getting to steal away! To one of the most restful places I can image.

Today my statistics professor asked the class what our plans were for spring break, and everyone chimed that they were going home. And I realized that I, too, am going home. Maybe it is only 45 minutes away, and maybe I do visit a few times a month, but this weekend I'm really going home. Not just rushing through with my mind on a thousand other things, not just waving to my friends and family as I go to bed or drive away to start another week. No, I'm setting aside lesser things for just a few days, to enjoy the sunlight on my face, and the presence of loved ones, surrounded by rest and prayers and love and support that is all embodied in Travelers Rest. In the home that is my family, and my friends, and my church (and really, my church IS my family and friends).

And I know that may sound high and lofty, and it may end up being the most simplistic visit ever. But all the better really. If nothing else, I'm totally enjoying the excitement and anticipation, and that's well worth it.

Happy St. Patrick's Day everyone! And happy Spring Break!

Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away

Hello Monday. It's a new week already. On top of that, it's the last day of February. Time is going by waaaay too fast.

Two wonderful things happened this morning. First, there was light coming in through the windows when I woke up this morning. I am *so* happy that the days are finally getting longer. Hooray for more sunshine! Second, I wore flip-flops for the first time in months. I love flip flops. My feet love them too. They (my feet) are so happy to be breathing today. They're also happy that they have blue toenails (courtesy of the lovely nail polish that matched my dress this weekend).

[Follow up on yesterday's blog that didn't actually get published yesterday] ... It rained. And by rained, I mean poured. So much for sunshine and flip-flops. However, I did see the most amusing show last night, the Popovich Comedy Pet Theatre. It was super cute. And by the time the show was over, the rain had blown away. Not too shabby.

Have a great Tuesday everyone :)

Statistically challenged

Tonight's agenda = crash course in experimental statistics. Exam tomorrow at 9:30 am, with homework assignment in tow. Even though I'm only taking two classes, it seems I'm focusing completely on one (genetics) and not the other (statistics). It's not that statistics is difficult for me, it's that it SEEMS difficult. I'm pretty sure they make the material purposely convoluted. Or maybe they're just expecting I would actually remember something from my first exp. stats class. Psh, what were they thinking?!

One redeeming factor for the evening... an entire bag of Starburst REDS! Many thanks to my good friend Hibes, who knows how much I *love* Starburst 'FaveREDS' because I pretty much ate an entire bag of them on my plane ride to Israel last summer. So hooray for brain food whilst I attempt to recall - neigh, master! - this wonderfully convoluted though ultimately understandable statistic mess.

I'll spread my wings, and learn how to fly

It's been a few weeks since I posted anything. [Obviously.] I've started to write a few different blogs over the weeks, but they were all so desperately about school, and I am *trying* to make an effort to not talk SO much about work [i.e. school]. I mean, really, there's only so many times someone wants to hear about how much work I have to do in the lab or that I'm studying for another difficult exam. So I'll sum that up by saying that I've held on for dear life as these last two weeks have zoomed by, full of the stuff that school work is full of. On the other hand, my life is desperately caught up in graduate school right now, so how can I expect to have anything else to talk about? In this light, I would like to mention some of the more interesting happenings in the last few weeks.

First - afternoons on the "5-acre lots" collecting samples. This occurs about once a week at present. My favorite part of these dates on the farm? The view! As I turn the sharp left onto the gravel road leading to the farm, a breath-taking landscape unfurls complete with rolling pastures, mountains in the background, and (for the past two weeks, anyway) beautiful, clear blue skies. In fact, last week I was so absorbed in thoughts about what needed to be done, that when I made the turn, the view actually took my breath away. It's simply glorious.

The second thing I want to share is a little less obvious perhaps, and a bit more obscure. But it ranks in comparison with that beautiful view. It's the feeling I get sometimes when I'm sitting in my molecular genetics course. That may sound strange at first, like how could I possibly compare a breath-taking landscape with sitting in class - learning?! And though I have a much deeper discourse brewing inside me on the subject, I'll suffice to say that science IS beautiful. It's miraculous and marvelous. And, as strange as it may sound, I get the feeling that this class glorifies God. The incredible processes we describe, the intricate workings of our beings, are so "beautiful and wonderfully made" that my heart cannot help but stand in awe of the author of life Himself.

Don't stop me now ... I'm having a ball

So, I have never been particularly thrilled about the thought of using coupons. All the work to clip them, just to save a few dollars, never seemed worth the hassle. So we shopped at our local "Always Low Price" store, and tried to keep our list to cheap items - pasta, potatoes, canned goods, generic brand items, etc.

When my sister told me that she'd saved thousands (yes, you read that correctly!) of dollars over the year couponing, I was a bit skeptical but definitely curious. And then she introduced me to Southern Savers - a site that makes budget shopping MUCH easier. It was very compelling, and hubby was convinced we should give it a shot (graduate student salaries and student loans are enough to convince anyone!). The parts I loved: the site explained how to NOT spend a ton of time clipping coupons (file the inserts!), and this works because every week store deals are posted right on the site with corresponding coupons listed next to the sale item (because, the key to saving big is pairing coupons with items that are on sale). Southern Savers does the hard work for you! For beginners, they recommend picking one grocery store and one drugstore (because it can get VERY overwhelming). Mine are Bilo and CVS.

I wish I had my totals up to date so I could tell you how much we've saved (and spent) so far this year. I can quote from my receipts that for Bilo we've saved 141.58 (before coupons) so far this year and for CVS we'ved saved 109.74.

Now, what really got me started on this whole story, was today's shopping trip at CVS! It's taken a few weeks to really get the hang of the CVS deals, but I gotta say, when you do, it's crazy awesome! Instead of going through the details, I'll just give the over view: at regular CVS price, today's purchases would have cost $63.58; however, MY subtotal (before tax) was a whopping 3.43!!! (After taxes, 6.03.) AND they gave me a coupon for $2 off my next purchase. So, yeah, I basically paid FOUR DOLLARS for everything you see in the photograph below,

Including: three boxes of 100 count Lipton tea bags, two jars of Ragu, three jars of peanut butter, five sticks of deoderant, a bottle of shampoo and conditioner, a huge bottle of body wash, and a bottle a Maalox. Wow! I LOVE this!

We're half way there

Hello Friends! I've finally decided to make my blog "public." That is, notify my friends and family that it exists. I've been back and forth on this decision a bit, as I feel that I temper my writing based on the people I think are reading it. However, I am going to try my best to be honest and unabashedly true to myself here. You are welcome to join me as I endeavor to log my thoughts and stories through this process called graduate school, and more generally - life. It is also my desire to review significant stories from the past, so important details can be shared and remembered (and to these I welcome much input, as my memory can be faulty at times!).

I am on a journey, to follow God and be faithful to His calling in my life. He's done so much in my life, it's really time to give Him credit for it all. And I want this blog to reflect that as much as anything.

So here's to the thrills, romance, and adventure - both past and present; to acknowledging Him in all my ways; and to sharing it all with you. Welcome!

What's the story morning glory

It has been such a good week. Perhaps this sounds strange after my last entry, but it's not really. It's true, it has been a busy busy week and the looming stresses have been fairly large. But I also want to acknowledge that there has been an ABUNDANCE of peace. Thursday, after I worked on a manuscript all day, I was convinced I'd be dreaming about it that night (I often dream about work when I've been so absorbed in it). Instead, I slept SO soundly (and dreamlessly!) that I woke up with a start around 4am, certain I'd overslept. (This is one of my favorite things - because then I get to go back to sleep knowing I have a few more hours to rest!) The same thing happened the next night. I had to get up at 5:30 this morning to make it to work (yep, on a Saturday!), and again, I slept so soundly and restfully that when I woke up (at 5:30... in the A. M...), I thought to myself - someone must be praying for my rest! Now, I don't know whether anyone is or not; that's not really the point. The point is that this peace and rest is supernatural. The joy - yes, JOY - that I had at 6 o'clock this morning as I left for work, was beyond me. (Anyone who knows me, knows that I am NOT a morning person!)

And as I drove to work, I thought about how easy it is to complain about having to work so much (take my last blog, for example). I even almost put up a Facebook status bemoaning the fact that I was up at 5:30 on a Saturday (I did still mention it, but was careful not to complain). Because, the truth is, I'm glad to be here. I'm glad I got to go to work today. (In fact, that's another story about that!) I'm happy to be where I am. And, yes, there is a lot to do. And, yes, I'm being stretched and challenged greater than I'd imagined. But I'm ENJOYING it. I'm excited about the character and the growth that's taking place within me. And I want more than anything to get through this - not just alive - but thriving.

And I just wanted to take this meager blogspace to say that instead of giving in to the social norm of complaining about every little requirement, I want to acknowledge that wonderful things are taking place. So, here's to God - to His peace, His strength, His wisdom, His impeccable timing - I couldn't do it without Him!

I'm not crazy, I'm just a little... well, crazy.

Whew! These past two weeks have been crazy, with no end in sight. It's starting to sink in what [PhD] grad school really looks like. Which is starting to look like me struggling to keep my sanity. Five and half months down, thirty-nine and half to go. I can do anything for... four years? Okay, maybe that mantra has lost its magic (it's supposed to go "I can do anything for... two weeks, a few months, [insert sane amount of time here].) It's okay. I kind of like being half-crazy. And, maybe, if I'm lucky, I'll be fully crazy by the time I'm done! (Sarcasm, of course.) (I think.)

So much "To-Do"

I've spent the last hour making a to-do list, staring at that to-do list, prioritizing the to-do list, talking to people about what needs to be on the to-do list... but not actually DOING anything on that list.

I'm overly overwhelmed. And even that feels like an understatement. My brain feels so heavy, my eyes are coming unfocused. I'm trying to break it down, organize it, schedule it... which somewhat helps with the overwhelmed feeling. Until I realized I still haven't DONE anything.

Okay, so this is where I re-focus and try to "remember what I know." *Big deep breath*

And as I begin to think, what comes to mind? This weekend's service, of course! Sunday morning Pastor shared on Proverbs 3:5-6. (Which btw, is where the name for this blog came from.) What he focused on, though, was trusting. Believing God. "Trust in the Lord with ALL of your heart and lean not on your own understanding." Right now, my own understanding is not happy; it is screaming that this is too much to figure out, too much to do, that I am incapable of what is needed to get this job done. BUT the TRUTH (which we also heard about this weekend) is that "I CAN do all things through Christ that gives me strength."

I'm thankful for God's truth that - even if it doesn't feel like it - really is more solid and true than the momentary stress. I can look to Him in these moments and know that He WILL see me through. He has before; He will again. He called me here, and it is His grace that will see me through.

And now, to get some of this done...