it's the Spravato talking

10.20.26

We're taught that we're inherently evil but what if thats wrong and actually, we inherently want to love and be loved.

I feel free for the first time in i dont oniw hiw ling maybe ever

Like i can do whatever i want. 

Whatever. I. Want.

Anything

And that is the most exciting feeling I think I've ever had

I feel

Relieved

So much joy

Happy

Free

Like the possibilities are endless

Like i can do great things

Like i want to do great things.

I really want to

And that is such a freaking relief

Bc here I've been thinking this whole time that I'm lazy

Unmotivated 

Broken 

Selfish

But i wasn't 

I felt trapped

And shut down

Idk

But i feel so freaking free right now that I'm fucking astonished

Literally flabbergasted and the day and night difference between the deep depression Ive been in and the literal joy I'm feeling right now 

It's unreal

It's an important lesson

I wasn't a bad person 

I'm not a bad person 

Now that I feel feee, I feel like I can do anything

And i WANT to do anything

Everything even

Everything! 

I feel so excited and hopeful and astonished

And now I'm checking myself - wait, not manic right - but no, this can't be manic can it, it wasn't random from one day to the next

It WAS, I quit my terrible job and all the pressure that was in me is now gone and i feel hope for the forst time in i dont know how long and also I'm realizing - I'm not inherently a bad person

And that is the most exciting, exhilarating thought I've ever felt