Honestly

One day I realized, there are people that refuse to tolerate -at all- the level of baseline discomfort that I live with on a daily basis.

My brain trying to process this information:

I just.

I can't.

I don't get it.

You can just - not. do. that. [uncomfortable thing]

I didn't realize that was even an option.

Ever.

At all.

The problem though is...

...even the most simple and mundane tasks that most people easily accomplish - often, to me, cause an incredible amount of discomfort.

Sensory processing disorder.

It means that "easy" task for you, can be incredibly exhaustive for me.

Except no one knew. Including myself.

And I never realized how easy [random task] was for most everyone else. I thought it felt hard for everyone.

I didn't know to advocate for myself, because I didn't know how much more discomfort I was putting up with compared to those around me. I knew it felt hard, for me. I didn't know it didn't feel that hard for everyone else. 

I went through life with a check-list of "to-do's" based on the average expectation for someone my age, wondering why in the world I couldn't keep up. Why was I so exhausted after doing one or two [things], when everyone else around me was running circles around [those things]. 

Living this way culminated in 20+ years of major depressive disorder, generalized anxiety disorder, chronic headaches and nightmares, 5+ years of chronic migraine, and an immune condition we still haven't fully pinpointed but let's just call it Mast Cell Activation Syndrome for the time being. 

And then, two years ago, the stars aligned and the light bulb clicked. I learned that I do, actually, experience life differently than most/many. And there is a perfectly reasonable explanation that I wish didn't cost half my life and most of my good health to figure out. 

 

Hi. My name is Heather, and I am autistic. The lightbulb clicked on, August 2020, and I received my ["official"] diagnosis, January 2021. It came with a free bonus diagnosis (I'm joking) of ADHD, inattentive type (not joking), which was somehow more shocking to me than being autistic. (Let's face it, I'd been wondering on and off for a long time.)

I was 36 years old. 

It was a [very] long road to full realization (which I'll share more on someday) and it's been a long road since then too - reframing, accepting, learning, relaxing, being.

I've been absorbing as much as I can from autistic & ADHD adults on their journeys / professionals on the cutting edge of this better understanding of neurodiversity / and anything I can find to help make sense of *all this*

I've learned a lot. My life lines up now in ways that I never understood before.

I'm still figuring it out. I'm still learning. I'll probably never feel truly ready to start sharing this story. But if there's someone -anyone- out there on their journey, wondering why life feels so much harder, who can't cope anymore for even one more day going on like this... 

I want you to know, you're not alone.

Maybe you're not autistic, or ADHD, or have sensory processing issues. Maybe it's something different for you. A weight so heavy you can't breathe, but so nebulous you can't understand how everyone else is breathing. Why is it seemingly so much harder for you.

I don't know the why. But I do know, you're not alone. And it doesn't have to be this way. You can be you. Just you. All of you. 

I don't have all the answers (or maybe any). But I do have hope. Some days. (Let's be honest.) But I am searching for more, every day. 

And I would love to share what I find, with you. 

💛